An old friend from Texas sent some paraprosdokians. You can't eat them or plant them in your yard, but you can enjoy them. In fact, you have, even if you didn't know it.
From englishforums.com: A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or re-interpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.
1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
3. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
4. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
5. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
6. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
7. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
8. You do not need a parachute to sky dive. You only need a parachute to sky dive twice.
9. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
10. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
11. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
12. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Answer to last week's question: What's wrong with this Fox News Headline?
"Nine people killed in Oklahoma and Arkansas after tornadoes, severe storms moved through"
The word "after." If the people were killed after the tornadoes moved through, what killed them? And what does it have to do with the storms?