Half century

Following is my column from Sunday. As you read, think about some of the lessons you've learned in your life and feel free to post them under comments.

A half century of observations

I'm 50, darn it. I observed the occasion with a moment of silence, mourning my lost youth. The upside is I can finally be a cantankerous old cuss.

Since this milestone is too painful to celebrate with anything more physically demanding than striking the keyboard, I mark the occasion with a list of 50 things I've learned in my first half century. Yes, I stole the idea from our own Kortney Brand; let's hope she's not the suing type.

Herewith:

1. Life is too short to drink bad coffee.

2. God is there and He is not silent.

3. Conceit is always ugly, regardless of the package it comes in.

4. Kindness is always beautiful, regardless of the package it comes in.

5. Nothing tastes better than a cold beer after hauling hay.

6. No one hauls hay anymore.

7. People who don't like chocolate are abnormal.

8. It's fine to be abnormal. May I have your chocolate?

9. When kids earn their own money for the first time, they display a conservatism you never knew they had.

10. Kids grow up too fast.

11. Kids who never grow up become liberals — that is, liberal with other people's money.

12. A wife who sticks with you is more valuable than anything else you will ever possess.

13. A wuss talks tough only from the safety of his gang — club, union, lodge, team, actual gang. A man has the courage to stand alone.

14. A wuss, usually surrounded by his gang, bullies the weak. A man uses his strength to defend the weak.

15. Airline seats, pants and candy bars always get smaller.

16. Politicians are like insurance companies; they promise much but deliver little.

17. No environment in America is more hostile to free thinking than the university campus.

18. Mothers who fight their sons' battles for them when they are 5 will still be fighting their sons' battles for them when they are 15 and 25 and 35 ...

19. Embarrassing your children is one of life's little pleasures.

20. Psychologists say the basic drivers of human behavior are money, sex and power. But they leave out the most important: respect. Everyone wants to be important.

21. Life is too short to eat beets.

22. Perfect people are an illusion.

23. Something other than dogs should be dubbed "man's best friend." Maybe snakes. They feed themselves, stay out of your way and never chew up your shoes.

24. If you buy all your socks the same color you don't have to look for matches.

25. Two colors of socks cover all occasions: black and white.

26. Ketchup makes everything taste a little better.

27. Except hot dogs.

28. Some of the smartest people are also some of the most gullible.

29. No one was ever made a better person by entering politics, but politics has ruined plenty.

30. Green bean casserole won't ruin your Thanksgiving — unless you eat some.

31. Fashion designers must be practical jokers if they can convince young men to wear their pants hanging down below their crotches so they can barely walk.

32. Newspapers are America's best bargain and best insurance against despotism.

33. "Groundhog Day" is the greatest movie of all time, and it (not "Star Wars") contains the answers to all of life's questions.

34. Weather forecasts are wrong so often that we don't bother to plan any activities based on them, but we watch them anyway.

35. Barry Bonds was this generation's Ty Cobb — a racist, obnoxious cheater who also happened to have more talent than anyone else in the game.

36. "Scientists" who resort to mocking religion do so to hide the fact that they can't produce sufficient evidence to support their theories.

37. No one could ever live up the legacy of Ronald Reagan. Not even Ronald Reagan.

38. Life is too short to eat carrot cake.

39. Americans are dangerously unsuspicious of government.

40. Gun control advocates operate from their hearts, not their heads.

41. Food cooked and eaten outdoors tastes better.

42. Nothing does more to prevent the next war than winning the current war.

43. Nothing invites an attack more than a retreat.

44. George Washington is the one man without whom there would be no United States of America.

45. George Washington Carver is the most under-appreciated man in American history.

46. Text messaging has introduced a new means for teenagers to be rude in public.

47. Doubting the existence of God because there is suffering in the world is like doubting the existence of your parents because you stub your toe on the door frame.

48. People my age sure look old.

49. Fifty is a pretty big number.

50. I can go home now.